Unfinished business: three paths people take

I have noticed that some people get away with a lot. They behave badly but suffer no apparent consequences, internal or external. Perhaps the universe sees and treats them the way adults see and behave towards young children. Very small children cannot be expected to have much understanding or take responsibility for their lives, so some of their bad behaviour is excused.

Other people are not so lucky when it comes to dealing with unfinished business. Perhaps the consequences are age- appropriate punishments from the universe.

Failure to express feelings, failure to assert oneself, permitting exploitation of oneself and failure to think, speak and act appropriately according to the occasion are examples of unfinished business, as are ignoring problems in the hope that they will go away, habitually running away from difficult situations, going through life leaving messes, failed relationships and unhappy people behind, being out of touch with reality and not respecting the truth.

Many people find that unfinished business and ignored and unresolved problems and issues make themselves felt, very inconveniently and painfully, over and over again. Perhaps the universe treats selected people like under-performing schoolchildren who must retake the same examinations until the lessons are learned. The difficulty of the lessons and the severity of the consequences and the amount of pain felt when they are not learned may be proportional to the universe's estimate of the capabilities and potential of the student.

Carrying around a load of unfinished business is similar to living with a lot of debt.

Unfinished business can handicap us and sabotage or even ruin our lives.



A very common example of unfinished business

I have seen many people leave their jobs because they just can't take any more. One possible reason for leaving is that they dislike their boss and find it impossible to work with him or her.

Some people just find a new job, get on with it and forget the past. This is fine if they can get away with it. They are the lucky ones.

Other people soon find themselves in much the same situation that they thought they had escaped from. I have noticed three variations on this theme, variations that apply to many other examples of unfinished business.

The repetition compulsion syndrome

This is where people play the Groundhog Day, the tape loop, the stuck record, game. They just run the same old program again and again. They behave like robots.

Most people will know someone who complains about their awful job. They hate the company, the work, the people they work with and for but they don't do anything productive to deal with the problems. They let the unfinished business pile up. Then they are ecstatic because they have found another job.

The company is wonderful; the work is interesting and rewarding; the people are great...then it all starts again. They come to hate their awful job and the horrible people they have to work with, then they find another one that they rave about until it all turns sour again... and so on ad infinitum.

I know someone who has just started his fifth such job. Each one seemed like a very good match and a great opportunity for him. Then each time it all went wrong.

This variation is mostly found in unconscious people. Introspection and awareness are lacking, as are useful concepts and the ability to learn from experience and change for the better. They passively permit these patterns to operate through them.

I think of this as the middle path, the circular road that leads nowhere except back to the starting point.

The downward spiral

Some people find that ignoring or running away from a problem results in their ending up in a similar but worse situation. Escaping from this new one means finding themselves involved with something that is worse still.

For example, someone who leaves behind them a lot of unfinished business with their old boss may well find themselves working for someone who is similar and even more difficult to work with. They get another new job only to find that the new boss is much worse than the previous two.

These people are on a road that leads to disaster and destruction. They are dragged down and down. Each level that seemed bad at the time seems like a good option when looked at from a lower level. A former hell can look like paradise in retrospect.

I think of this as the left-hand path, the road that spirals downwards into the darkness.

The upward spiral

When people realise that they have unfinished business and decide to do something about it, everything changes. The requirement is to learn from experience, understand as much as possible about cause and effect and do whatever one can at the current level to clear a little of the debt.

Each time something unpleasant happens, it is essential to prepare for another occurrence and aim to do a little better next time. This is similar to someone who got correct answers to just 5% of the questions in an examination being expected to get 10% when re-sitting the exam then 15% the time after that, and so on until they get everything right.

This involves doing some inner work and putting it into action. For example, they need to find the strength and courage to tell the demanding manager, calmly but firmly, that there isn't enough time to finish everything before the deadline.

One horrible manager who left the company I was working for was replaced with someone similar. The only good thing that could be said about her was that she wasn't as bad as her predecessor, but this was still a sign of an upward move. I had done my best to deal appropriately with the first unpleasant boss; I had changed and she hadn't, so she could no longer play her games.

Intention is everything. Just becoming willing to take responsibility and change for the better has a very positive result. It seems that if we do our best, the universe will do the rest. I have seen for myself that this works. We pay off what little we can of our debts and the universe matches our efforts with a big payment towards clearing the balance.

This is the road to resolution. It does mean dealing with the same issues again and again until they are resolved, but each time on a higher level with less pain and more understanding and coping ability.

I think of this as the right-hand path, the road that spirals up into the light. This is the road less travelled.

The three paths

The circular path is the default for many people, most of whom stay on it forever. For example, they keep getting into the same unrewarding relationships with the same types of dysfunctional people. Each time, they behave as if it is the first time in the history of the world that such a thing has happened. Nothing ever changes.

The downward path leads to a very bad place; it seems like going deeper and deeper into hell. The consequences for letting more and more unfinished business pile up are very serious for some people. I saw this rule at work in my family. My father avoided dealing with my mother's bad and irrational behaviour; he walked away from it. My step-mother was much, much worse... he dissociated himself from it all and behaved as if nothing had happened... he ended up overwhelmed by the same issues at a much lower level still. The unfinished business has all fallen on me to deal with.

The upward path is the only way to go. It must be consciously chosen. Sacrifices must be made, but what is sacrificed may be something that we are better off without, delusions about ourselves and unrealistic ambitions for example.

Life is not always as unfair as it seems

I remember seeing a Tibetan – or perhaps Mongolian – man on TV a very long time ago. He was very old. He wore traditional dress, including a round hat with fur around the edges. He was talking in a very matter-of-fact way about killing Chinese soldiers when they came to his village.

Many people will say that he must have been eaten up with guilt inside. I don't agree. He was a peasant who lived in a very different world from ours and did what needed to be done at the time. There is no unfinished business and no punishment in his case.

On the other hand, I still feel bad about something I did when I was 15 or 16 years old. I passed a bookshop and saw the Lord of the Rings trilogy in the window. I liked the idea of having my own copies as opposed to relying on the library. I couldn't afford to buy them all, so I persuaded the owner to sell me just the first volume. I assured him that I would come back and buy the other two soon so he wouldn't be stuck with an incomplete set. I never went back for the others; I still feel guilty about that!

However, I have bought very cheaply some out-of-print books that are normally unobtainable or very expensive. I wanted them for articles that I hoped would be of use to others.

People whose punishments for small misdemeanours seem excessively harsh are often the same people who are greatly rewarded for small improvements. Perhaps these are people who have the potential to have a great effect, positive or negative, on the world. If they take the wrong path, many people will suffer with them.

As Shakespeare put it, “Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds”. 

After seeing these unseen influences at work and experiencing the rewards and punishments, I wonder what is behind them. Are these forces impersonal and mechanistic or is there some kind of intelligence behind them? If so, is it all one and the same force or are we talking, perhaps metaphorically, about angels and demons?